A letter to my first born

I always knew I wanted to be a mom and I knew I didn’t want to be just any mom, I wanted to be just like mine. If I’m anything like her, my children will be truly blessed and I know I’ll be doing something right.

When I pictured it, you would’ve come when I was 24ish. Because I would’ve been married and then had 2-3 children before I was 30. He always has a greater plan than we do, doesn’t he?

Instead, I was blessed with you at 29 and I’ve often wondered how I survived so long with out you. Finding out I was pregnant was the surprise of a lifetime and each day I eagerly planned, shopped and decorated to make sure everything was perfect for your arrival. I’m fairly certain I made your dad borderline insane. Shrug, sorry babe. When you arrived, I had no idea how much you’d flip my world upside down and in the best, most emotional way possible.

My sweet boy, every single moment with you I have loved. It has been been both painful and beautiful experiencing this new world with you in it. Painful because I know time passes us by so quickly and I want so desperately to press pause. I live for the snuggles in the early morning when you’re avoiding getting dressed, the way you say “one more?” Six times before bed and we always end up reading six more stories. The harsh reality of “it won’t be this way for long” hits me like a ton of bricks. I want to memorize your silly faces, the way your tiny fingers wrap around mine and lead me to what you need, and I want to remember your laugh because it truly is the best sound in the world. That is when it’s painful, because I know it won’t be like this for long. At the same time, it’s beautiful. Watching you explore and figure things out on your own, the way you’re the BIGGEST boy and help your Daddy and I so much. Seeing you become this strong willed, independent little person is beautiful. I watch you in complete amazement quite often.

Each day I pray for your future and your heart. I pray that God gives me the strength I’ll need to let you go & continue to grow in your own way. I pray for your heart, that it is never broken, always wholesome and always full of life and love.

It has been the three of us for so long and in a few short days, the world as we know it will flip upside down again. I’ve been so afraid that I wouldn’t be good enough for you AND your new brother. But, the truth is, God gave me you first because he has always known the mom I would need to be. You have taught me a love that I never knew existed. One that is endless and reaches the deepest depths of the ocean. You’ve taught me patience (which I’m still learning. Every. Single. Day. Because, you’re a toddler). When you had your first ear infection and I spent hours trying to console you and finally I cried with you. This also taught me to stay off Web MD & Google. When I use to just stare at you in utter disbelief because you are here, you’re ours and you’re perfect…. I have prayed more in these two years than I ever have. That’s because of you, my Bub. You taught me that. You’ve taught me how to be a Mom. You’ve taught me to love unconditionally. Because of you, we will be ok when this new baby comes.

Motherhood has been the highest calling that I have ever known and I would give anything to live all of these moments over and over again. When our world is flipped upside down again, it will be just as beautiful as the day you were born. Probably even more so, if that’s even possible, because we will get to watch you grow in to a big brother. Our biggest helper, our strong willed little boy — you will have to show Brother the ropes. Undeniably, things will be changing soon. But you will always be my first baby, we will grow together and experience all of the pains and all of it’s beauty together.

I promise we will still have our time. Just me and you. Snuggling and eating way too many Graham Crackers, sharing little giggles before bed.

To the one who made me a mom, I love you. With every single inch of my being.

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